2013년 11월 23일 토요일

About 'us debt to china clock'|Move Over Greece. Obama Taking America To Bankruptcy: U.S. Debt-To-GDP Now Exceeds 100 Percent While Obama Spends $2.52 To Get Us A Lousy Dollar







About 'us debt to china clock'|Move Over Greece. Obama Taking America To Bankruptcy: U.S. Debt-To-GDP Now Exceeds 100 Percent While Obama Spends $2.52 To Get Us A Lousy Dollar








She               never               thought               this               day               would               come.

Labor               Day               
               August               2000               
               The               resident               who               was               due               a               week               after               Tara               gave               her               a               picture               frame               for               Mackenzie               and               included               a               note               with               it:
               "I               didn't               know               which               one               of               us               would               go               first               so               I               decided               to               go               ahead               and               give               you               your               lil'               present.

I               admire               you               so               much               and               wish               you               the               best               in               everything,"               it               read.
               She               was               20               and               had               placed               a               baby               a               year               before               that               through               the               center.

She               was               also               a               Gladney               baby               herself.
               One               of               Tara's               favorite               house               parents               made               her               a               labor               bracelet,               something               she               tried               to               do               for               all               the               residents               if               there               was               time               before               they               delivered.

It               was               supposed               to               be               a               good               luck               charm               before               labor               and               you               weren't               supposed               to               take               it               off               beforehand.
               Tara               had               never               heard               of               them.

Hers               was               yellow               and               purple               and               she               wore               it               about               a               week               before               it               came               off               before               delivery.
               Tara               kept               it               and               put               it               in               her               memory               box               along               with               her               other               sentiments               of               her               time               at               Gladney.
               Tara               met               Veronica               at               the               doctor's               office               and               gave               her               Mackenzie's               first               ornament               for               her               first               Christmas.

It               was               a               straw               angel,               intricate               in               design               that               was               part               of               a               collection               that               she               and               Mark,               her               ex-husband,               had               bought               together               when               they               had               their               first               Christmas               as               an               engaged               couple.
               Tara               would               never               forget               their               numerous               trips               to               Pier               I               to               buy               ornaments               every               year.

They               could               only               afford               to               buy               a               couple               every               year               but               over               the               years               they               had               bought               quite               a               few.
               "Thank               you               for               Mackenzie's               ornament!"               Veronica               wrote               in               a               card.

"She               will               always               know               it               is               from               her               birth               mom!

We               love               you               and               think               of               you               hundreds               of               times               every               day!

I'm               thankful               that               you               take               such               good               care               of               yourself               for               the               baby's               sake.

We               really               really               appreciate               you!"               
               She               had               also               given               Veronica               a               painted               tile               with               Gladney's               name               on               it.
               "I               really               enjoy               going               to               your               doctor's               appointments,"               Veronica               told               her.

"Thanks               for               including               me!"
               Veronica               made               Tara               a               computer               sign               that               had               a               quote               from               Helen               Keller:
               "The               best               and               most               beautiful               things               in               the               world               cannot               be               seen               or               even               touched.

They               must               be               felt               with               the               heart."
               Veronica               told               her               that               she               held               a               special               place               in               she               and               Frank's               hearts.
               Another               card               read:               "Hope               you're               having               a               great               day               and               that               the               baby               isn't               keeping               you               up               all               night!

We               are               so               excited               and               in               great               anticipation!

You               are               remembered               in               our               prayers."
               Veronica               sent               some               pictures               of               the               nursery               they               were               decorating.

Some               things               that               looked               white               were               actually               pink.

Frank               and               Ben               painted               a               mural               on               the               wall               with               green               grass               and               blue               background.

Painted               animals               made               up               the               display               and               in               the               center               they               wrote,               "The               best               thing               about               you               is               who               you               are               inside."               In               the               corner               was               the               three               signatures               of               Veronica,               Frank,               and               Ben               dated               7/00.
               "Hope               you               like               it.

We're               getting               so               excited!

Hope               you're               getting               in               some               naps               and               some               down               time               to               rest               your               feet.

Anxious               to               talk               to               you,"               Veronica               wrote.
               August               3,               2000               
               After               spending               the               weekend               with               Chelsea               at               a               bed               and               breakfast,               Chelsea               gave               Tara               a               card,               which               read:
               "We               don't               always               know               what               the               plan               is               but               we               always               know               there's               a               plan.

Relax               and               know               that               somewhere               God's               got               it               all               worked               out.

I               am               so               proud               of               your               courage.

Your               daughter               is               a               very               lucky               little               girl               to               have               a               mom               that               loves               her               enough               to               let               her               go.

I'm               so               blessed               to               have               you               for               a               sister               -               thanks               for               our               special               weekend               and               for               teaching               me               about               real               love."
               August               6,               2000               
               "You've               been               here               so               long               that               it               will               really               be               strange               not               having               you               here,"               Tara's               favorite               house               parent               wrote               in               one               of               her               journals.

"I               hope               everything               goes               really               well               with               you,               not               only               through               labor               and               placement               but               for               the               rest               of               your               life.

Thank               you               for               using               your               talents               while               you've               been               here…the               bulletin               board               and               "The               Glad               Rag"               (dorm               newsletter).

Please               keep               in               touch               after               you               leave.

Just               a               note               saying               what               you've               been               up               to.

I'm               glad               to               have               gotten               to               know               you.

I'm               proud               of               you               for               making               an               adoption               plan               and               for               hanging               in               there               when               the               people               at               work               were               so               cruel."
               A               resident               due               in               September               who               later               wound               up               delivering               during               the               Olympic               games               told               Tara               she               was               very               appreciate               of               the               opportunity               to               meet               her.
               "I               think               you               are               a               very               sweet               and               kind               person               with               a               kind               heart,"               she               said.

"These               aren't               the               best               circumstances               to               meet               and               become               friends               with               someone               but               I               would               rather               have               met               you               like               this               than               not               at               all.

I               admire               your               strength               as               a               person               but               even               more               so               as               a               woman.

The               paths               we               choose               to               take               in               life               affect               us               eternally.

As               difficult               as               this               one               has               been               you               have               made               it               to               the               end.

Knowing               you               and               seeing               you               has               given               me               more               courage               and               more               determination               to               believe               that               I               can               make               it,               too.

Thank               you               for               your               never-ending               inspiration."
               Tara's               due               date               was               yesterday.
               Chelsea               came               for               three               days               and               left               that               day.

She               felt               the               baby               move               and               said               she'd               miss               knowing               her.

They               stayed               at               a               bed               and               breakfast.

The               hosts               made               heart-shaped               cookies               with               their               names               on               them               and               brought               them               peach               tea.

It               was               a               place               for               couples               and               had               a               Jacuzzi.
               Chelsea               looked               at               Mackenzie's               scrapbook               and               other               things               Tara               had               made               for               Mackenzie.
               "You               know               I               was               thinking               on               the               way               here               that               I               could've               done               this               (raised               Mackenzie),"               Chelsea               said               to               Tara               now,               her               hand               on               the               scrapbook.

"I               just               wish               I'd               had               more               time               to               think               about               it               before."
               Tara's               heart               sank.
               "I'm               sorry.

I               didn't               know               how               long               we               had,"               she               explained.

"I               thought               we               had               to               make               a               quick               decision.

I               didn't               know               that               people               come               there               (to               Gladney)               at               the               last               minute               sometimes."
               "I               know               you               didn't               know,"               Chelsea               said.

"Neither               did               I.

Of               course,               now               it               would               just               be               cruel               since               you've               already               got               parents               for               her.

I'd               talked               to               my               girlfriend               about               it               and               she               wouldn't               have               a               problem               with               it               (you               choosing               us               at               the               last               minute)               but               I               would.

I               told               her               ï¿½You               should               see               these               emails               from               these               people.

When               you               see               these               emails,               there's               no               way               you               could               take               Mackenzie               from               them.'"
               After               Chelsea               left,               Tara               went               to               a               friend's               funeral.

He'd               died               from               AIDS               after               having               it               for               seven               years.

He               was               a               year               older               than               she               was.
               August               7,               2000               
               Tara               was               two               days               late.

She               had               contractions               for               the               first               time               the               night               before,               but               there               were               only               two,               lasting               five               minutes.

Her               mom               and               Chelsea               called               that               night.
               Tara               had               gone               back               to               the               doctor               the               week               before.

Mackenzie               was               seven               pounds.
               Tara               dreamed               about               Mackenzie.

Her               doctor               was               back               from               out               of               town,               thank               God.

She               kept               telling               Mackenzie               it               was               time               to               come               out               now.
               She               hoped               Mackenzie               didn't               think               she               hated               her.

Veronica               sent               Tara               a               long               email:
               "We               had               our               second               shower               today               and               it               was               so               much               fun.

There               were               20               adults               and               about               18               children.

Pretty               wild!

Frank               and               I               were               both               opening               presents               left               and               right.

We               got               so               many               outfits.

We               have               around               600               diapers               now.

We               are               truly               blessed               with               wonderful               friends.


               As               you               can               see               from               the               time,               I               went               into               work               for               six               hours               tonight.

Thursday               was               originally               was               my               last               day               but               I               want               to               earn               a               little               money               until               she               is               here.
               Several               people               at               the               shower               asked               about               you.

I               have               your               picture               at               the               doctor's               office               along               with               some               other               pics               you               have               sent               me.

My               friend               loved               your               idea               of               heaven.

Several               people               commented               on               how               pretty               you               are               and               they               bet               the               baby               has               your               beautiful               eyes.

I               sure               hope               so               as               I               love               your               eyes.
               Ben               also               got               several               presents               and               has               claimed               some               of               the               baby's               toys               also.

She               got               a               doll               stroller               that               was               packed               with               all               kinds               of               goodies.

Anyway,               Ben               wants               to               push               the               baby               stroller               all               over               the               house,               so               of               course               we               let               him,               hoping               he               won't               tear               it               up               until               Mackenzie               gets               old               enough               to               play               with               it               herself.
               We               are               so               excited               and               are               on               pins               and               needles.

Anytime               we               go               anywhere               I               call               every               one               to               two               hours               to               check               our               messages               on               the               chance               that               our               caseworker               has               called               and               that               you               are               in               labor.

I               know               I'll               scream               when               we               actually               get               the               call.
               Several               people               asked               about               you               today               at               church               and               please               know               that               you               are               in               so               many               prayers.

My               friend               added               your               name               to               a               prayer               list               at               church               and               found               out               that               another               church               member               is               waiting               on               a               baby               from               China!

She               said               they               cried               and               cried               throughout               Sunday               school               and               people               through               they'd               lost               their               minds.

We               are               so               humbled               about               the               great               gift               you               are               giving               us.
               I               hope               you               enjoy               hearing               about               all               the               'stuff.'               Please               always               feel               free               to               tell               me               to               ï¿½chill.'               I               hope               you               have               a               good               week               and               get               some               naps               in.
               How               is               your               sister               feeling               now               about               your               decision?

Please               tell               me               that               she               feels               better               and               at               peace               with               it.

I               thought               about               you               all               weekend.


               I               want               to               come               to               the               doctor's               appointment               Thursday               if               you               don't               mind.

Has               anyone               else               delivered?

What               good               stuff               did               you               get               at               your               shower               Thursday               afternoon?"
               The               home               gave               birth               moms               baby               showers               but               instead               of               baby               gifts,               they               got               journals               and               other               things               and               had               ice               cream               and               birthday               cake.
               August               8,               2000               
               "I               can't               believe               that               it's               almost               time               for               you               to               deliver,"               Tara's               other               favorite               house               parent               wrote               in               her               journal.

"My               husband               and               I               wanted               you               to               know               how               happy               and               blessed               we               are               to               have               had               the               chance               to               meet               and               know               you.

We               are               praying               that               these               next               couple               of               weeks               you               will               find               strength               and               courage.

We               hope               you               know               how               amazing               you               are               for               giving               Mackenzie               a               wonderful               life.

You               have               made               a               mark               in               our               hearts               and               we               will               remember               you               always.

Good               luck               in               whatever               lies               ahead."
               August               10,               2000               
               "I               know               that               both               our               lives               have               been               very               hard               and               painful               mentally,               physically,               and               spiritually,"               a               resident               who               changed               her               mind               after               the               birth               of               her               second               child               told               Tara               before               she               changed               her               mind.

"The               decision               we               made               to               place               our               children               makes               us               even               stronger,               wonderful               women               and               those               who               don't               have               our               strength               can't               begin               to               understand               our               reasoning.

We               shall               deal               with               the               pain               of               wondering               and               hoping               and               praying               that               our               children               will               understand               why               they               are               not               with               us.

Always               remember               that               are               not               alone               and               that               at               the               same               time               you're               thinking               about               your               child,               I'm               thinking               about               mine.

I               feel               your               pain               and               you're               forever               in               my               mind               and               my               heart               because               you               are               my               life's               reality               and               I'm               yours.

Don't               ever               give               up               on               yourself.

Don't               let               the               pain               overcome               you               and               turn               into               depression.

You               are               way               too               strong               and               you               have               already               proven               that.

Don't               let               anyone               put               you               down               because               you               are               too               good               for               that.

One               day               you               will               see               that               you               can               do               anything               and               you               will               succeed               in               life.

You               will               be               on               my               mind               and               if               you               ever               need               me,               I'll               be               there.

You               are               my               inspiration."
               Some               of               the               residents               were               mad               at               the               resident               for               changing               her               mind               afterwards               and               Tara               talked               to               her               at               length               but               didn't               judge               her.

Tara               understood               how               hard               it               was               but               at               the               same               time               she               had               to               keep               herself               centered.

She               mainly               worried               about               what               kind               of               life               the               baby               would               have               without               the               care               it               needed.
               "It's               really               going               to               be               different               without               you               here,"               a               young               house               parent               wrote               to               Tara.

"You               have               been               so               caring               and               willing               to               lend               a               hand.

I               just               don't               know               what               we're               going               to               do               without               you.

You               have               made               some               tough,               life-changing               decisions               since               you've               been               here.

I               really               admire               your               courage.

You               are               very               talented               and               I               know               you               can               succeed               in               life               by               using               the               many               gifts               you've               been               given.

I'll               miss               you."
               August               11,               2000               
               Tara               was               50               percent               effaced               but               not               dilated.

Veronica               met               her               at               the               doctor               again               and               gave               her               flowers.
               Tara               met               with               her               caseworker               that               told               her               she               had               to               start               visualizing               letting               go               of               Mackenzie.

Tara               couldn't               and               hadn't               done               this.
               One               of               the               residents               went               to               the               hospital               the               night               before               but               it               was               false               labor.
               Mackenzie's               head               kept               moving               to               the               bottom               of               Tara's               belly.

Ready.
               August               12,               2000               
               Tara's               mom               surprised               her               by               coming               in               to               town               for               three               days               to               see               her.
               It               was               weird               to               be               with               her               mom               and               be               pregnant.

Tara               was               swollen               like               a               former               resident               had               been.

She               was               scared               about               having               a               delivery               like               hers               -               giving               birth               to               a               ten-pounder               with               no               epidural.
               Mackenzie's               head               was               still               down               below               Tara's               belly.

No               contractions               since               Thursday.

Tara               lay               awake               last               night               imagining               what               Mackenzie               would               look               like.

She               tried               to               do               that               "letting               go"               thing               but               couldn't.
               Gladney               got               in               three               new               residents.
               Tara               got               an               email               from               Veronica:
               "Hope               you're               having               a               great               weekend.

Of               course               with               the               heat               and               all               and               carrying               around               the               baby…hope               you               have               a               tolerable               weekend,"               Veronica               wrote.

"We               want               to               make               this               as               easy               on               you               as               possible               if               we               can.

We               keep               getting               phone               calls               to               see               if               Mackenzie               is               here               yet.

As               crazy               as               it               makes               me               it               has               to               be               doubly               hard               on               you.

I               keep               telling               people               that               she's               growing               stronger               and               maturing               those               lungs               and               staying               in               her               safe,               warm               environment               as               long               as               possible.

Hope               you're               able               to               get               some               rest               as               I               know               how               active               she's               been."
               August               13,               2000               
               Tara               gave               her               mom               a               dorm               tour.
               Tara               lay               awake               wondering               again               what               Mackenzie               would               look               like,               be               like.
               She               was               eight               days               late               now.

Her               mom               didn't               understand               a               lot               of               the               adoption               stuff.

Tara               showed               her               the               Placement               outfit,               scrapbook,               photo               album,               and               profile               of               Veronica               and               Frank.
               August               14,               2000               
               The               countdown               began.

Emails               from               Veronica               were               getting               more               frequent:
               "I'm               so               excited               for               you               that               your               mom's               here.

It               sure               would               be               cool               for               her               to               be               here               when               the               baby               comes.
               Maybe               it'll               happen.

I               think               the               days               after               birth               are               a               grieving               time               for               you.

I               hope               the               heat               isn't               killing               you.

My               mom               again               talked               about               how               miserable               she               was               when               pregnant               with               my               sister               who               was               born               in               early               September.

Mom               can't               wait               to               hold               the               baby;               she's               mentioned               it               several               times.

I               sent               a               thank               you               card               to               your               sister               via               our               caseworker               and               you               should               get               it               soon.

Try               and               get               some               rest."
               August               15,               2000               
               Labor               Day               
               Tara               was               nine               days               late.

Something               had               told               her               she'd               go               into               labor               that               day;               she               didn't               know               why.

Her               mom               was               staying               at               a               hotel               two               blocks               from               the               hospital.

That               day               they               had               taken               a               tour               of               Gladney               and               she               introduced               her               mom               to               everyone               including               her               doctor's               assistant.

Then               they               went               to               a               few               stores               and               had               lunch               at               a               fast               food               place.
               Tara               and               her               mom               took               naps.

When               Tara               woke               up               from               hers               she               was               getting               mild               cramps.

It               was               about               4:00               p.m.
               They               had               a               very               light               dinner               later,               which               Tara               was               very               grateful               for               afterwards.

She'd               always               heard               to               not               eat               anything               once               labor               started               to               avoid               getting               sick.
               They               watched               TV               and               as               one               show               drifted               into               another               the               cramps               became               more               intense.

All               those               mothers               before               her               were               right.

There               was               no               greater               pain.

Still               at               this               point               it               was               only               a               5               or               6               on               a               scale               of               1-10.

Still               bearable.
               Her               mom               read               while               Tara               timed               her               contractions               and               then               Tara               called               the               childbirth               coordinator               who               was               very               sweet               and               instructed               her               to               continue               timing               her               contractions               and               when               to               call               her               back               each               time.
               It               was               the               first               night               of               the               Democratic               National               Convention               when               Tara               went               into               labor.

She               and               her               mom               were               watching               "The               Practice"               when               towards               the               end               of               the               show,               the               pain               got               unbearable.

The               childbirth               coordinator               had               told               her               to               call               her               back               for               the               last               time               when               the               pain               got               so               bad               she               couldn't               stand               it.
               Tara's               mom               had               told               her               a               couple               of               times               to               call               before               then               but               she               kept               going               through               the               cycles               of               pain               until               finally               she               picked               up               the               phone.
               Tara               remembered               the               ending               of               the               show               was               about               a               serial               killer               or               rapist               who               had               the               lead               attorney               hostage.
               She'd               never               forget               that               episode!
               Tara               and               her               mom               waited               on               the               childbirth               coordinator               to               pick               them               up               from               the               hotel               lobby.
               The               hotel               rep               behind               the               counter               asked               Tara               if               she               was               okay.
               Tara               was               sitting               on               a               cushioned               bench               while               her               mom               stood               inside               the               glass               doors               waiting               on               the               coordinator               to               arrive.
               "I'm               okay,"               she               told               the               hotel               rep.

"I'm               just               in               labor."
               "Oh               my               God!"               the               lady               exclaimed.

"Can               I               get               you               anything?

Some               ice               or               something?"
               "No,               it's               okay,"               Tara               said,               watching               her               mom               turning               around               every               so               often               to               check               on               her.
               The               coordinator               got               there               quickly,               thank               God               and               the               three               of               them               drove               the               two               blocks               to               the               hospital.
               Tara               had               already               spoken               with               a               house               parent               and               her               caseworker               and               told               them               they               were               on               the               way               to               the               hospital               and               how               far               away               they               were.

Now               the               caseworker               would               call               Veronica               and               Frank's               caseworker               and               give               them               the               news.
               A               lot               of               times               because               of               the               distance               or               various               other               reasons,               adoptive               parents               weren't               there               for               the               birth               but               she               had               already               made               arrangements               with               them               since               they               were               only               an               hour               and               a               half               away               for               them               to               be               called               the               minute               she               went               into               labor.
               A               nurse               checked               Tara               in               but               only               after               talking               to               the               doctor               twice               and               telling               her               she               might               have               to               send               her               home               with               false               labor.
               "Oh               please,               no!"               Tara               said,               as               Susan               arrived.
               Susan               was               always               so               laidback               it               amazed               her.

She               came               strolling               in,               got               the               lowdown,               and               the               four               of               them               sat               around               while               they               finally               gave               her               the               drugs               she               always               swore               she'd               take.
               By               the               time               Tara               was               cracking               jokes               throughout               the               Democratic               Convention,               Tara               had               had               four               Epidurals,               a               Morphine               Drip,               Stadol,               and               Demerol.
               And               she               had               just               got               through               talking               to               Veronica,               telling               her               and               Frank               to               come               to               the               hospital.
               Veronica               sounded               so               excited               on               the               phone.

Tara               told               them               to               be               careful               driving.
               Now               Tara               was               feeling               no               pain               to               say               the               least               and               was               very               entertaining               to               everyone.
               "If               this               is               what               it's               going               to               be               like,               I               can               handle               this,"               she               thought.
               She               didn't               know               that               was               all               going               to               wear               off               and               that               when               she               had               to               push,               they               had               to               let               one               of               the               Epidurals               wear               off               because               her               leg               kept               falling               off               the               table.
               She               pushed               for               three               hours               before               they               did               an               emergency               C-section,               much               to               the               doctor's               regret.

He               didn't               like               doing               them               unless               he               absolutely               had               to.

But               after               technically               20               hours               of               labor,               she               was               begging               for               it.

She               thought               she'd               die               from               the               pain               and               was               begging               to               God               aloud               many               times.
               Tara               never               believed               in               self-fulfilling               prophecies               until               this               day.

She               always               said               she'd               have               a               tough               pregnancy               and               labor               and               she               did.

She               had               two               asthma               attacks               during               labor,               which               she               feared               would               happen.
               At               11               a.m.

after               beginning               pushing,               the               nurses               told               her               she               was               pushing               wrong.
               "Not               in               your               face,               in               your               bottom,"               they               kept               saying               but               she               couldn't               do               it.
               The               doctor               was               in               a               bad               mood               and               she               took               it               personally,               of               course.
               When               he               walked               in               with               his               assistant,               Tara               covered               herself.
               "I               get               to               look,"               he               said,               casually,               pulling               the               sheet               back.
               "I               know,               it's               just               weird               for               me,"               she               said,               shyly.
               "I               can               see               the               head,"               one               of               the               nurses               said.
               Tara               didn't               have               her               glasses               on               but               in               the               large               mirror               across               from               her               she               squinted               to               see               if               she               could               see               it,               too.

She               thought               she               could.


               Once               they               told               her               to               start               pushing,               the               thought               of               "I               don't               want               to               lose               her"               went               through               her               mind.

As               crazy               as               it               was               Susan               was               doing               all               the               work               and               she               was               barely               trying.

Tara               didn't               want               Mackenzie               out               of               herself               even               though               she               knew               it               was               inevitable.
               After               more               futile               incorrect               pushing               the               doctor               told               her:               "You're               not               going               to               get               it               out               like               that."
               The               placenta               was               in               Mackenzie's               way               and               it               was               smashing               Tara's               bladder               but               the               nurses               and               doctor               didn't               realize               this               until               surgery               was               underway.
               The               doctor's               assistant               who               had               been               with               her               throughout               this               pregnancy,               coached               her               from               the               side               of               the               bed,               calm               as               always.
               "It               hurts               so               bad,"               Tara               cried               to               her.
               "I               know               it               does,"               she               said,               soothingly.

"Watch               me.

Do               what               I               do."
               She               tried               to               talk               her               through               breathing               but               to               no               avail.
               At               one               point               Susan's               girlfriend               asked               if               she               could               come               in               and               Tara               snapped               "No!"               even               though               she               was               friends               with               her.
               But               she               poked               her               head               in               anyway,               trying               to               be               friendly.
               Tara               begged               them               to               go               get               the               doctor               after               he'd               left               the               room               again               and               reluctantly               they               did.
               One               nurse               was               really               pissed.
               The               doctor               came               back               into               the               room               and               examined               her               once               more.
               "I               can               see               hair,"               one               of               the               nurses               said,               referring               to               the               baby's               head.
               Finally               the               doctor               sat               down               on               the               edge               of               the               bed               and               was               silent               for               a               minute               while               she               watched               him.
               Then               he               turned               to               her               and               said,               "I               don't               want               to               have               to               take               the               baby.

But               you've               been               pushing               for               three               hours               and               you're               not               making               progress.

So,               we're               going               to               do               an               emergency               C-section."
               She               was               soooooooooooooo               relieved!
               Before               she               knew               it,               she               was               being               cleaned,               shaved,               and               rubbed               down               with               a               colored               liquid               and               wheeled               into               surgery.
               It               all               happened               so               fast.
               She               was               told               that               when               she               was               "out               of               it"               in               between               pushing,               that               Veronica               came               in               and               kissed               her               cheek.
               While               she               was               pushing,               her               mom,               Susan,               the               coordinator,               and               Susan's               girlfriend               had               met               Veronica               and               Frank               and               they,               with               the               exception               of               Susan,               who               was               coaching               her,               all               waited               through               the               whole               thing               in               the               waiting               area.
               When               Veronica               found               out               Tara               was               going               to               have               to               have               a               C-section,               she               burst               into               tears:
               "I               didn't               want               it               to               be               this               hard               for               her,"               she               cried.
               Tara               remembered               one               resident               who               had               watched               her               C-section               in               April               during               surgery               in               the               reflection               of               the               reflectors               above               her               head.
               There               was               no               way               Tara               was               doing               that.
               Tara               spent               the               majority               of               her               labor               trying               to               get               her               mom               a               ride               to               the               airport               so               she               didn't               miss               her               plane.
               Thanks               to               Susan               saving               the               day               once               more,               Susan               negotiated               with               her               caseworker               and               got               her               mom               a               ride               -               barely.
               Susan               continuously               fed               Tara               ice               chips,               which               she               ate               up               like               a               man               dying               of               thirst               in               the               desert.
               She               never               thought               she'd               love               ice               so               much               in               her               life.
               In               the               middle               of               surgery,               Tara               opened               her               eyes               and               looked               at               the               doctor               and               his               assistant               working               on               her.
               "Hi,               sweetie,"               he               said,               noticing.
               She               didn't               say               anything,               just               kept               asking               Susan               how               things               were               going.
               During               surgery               Tara               overheard               her               doctor,               his               assistant               and               the               other               nurses               talking               about               funny               emails               they'd               been               getting               and               events               in               their               day-to-day               lives.

She               remembered               hearing               stories               about               doctors               doing               this               but               it               was               another               thing               to               be               hearing               it               first-hand.
               Someone               asked               how               old               the               doctor's               daughter               was               now               and               he               told               her               age               seven.
               "Okay,               Tara,               a               little               pressure               now,"               they               told               her.
               She               didn't               feel               a               thing.
               Susan               told               her               later               that               it               was               at               that               point               that               they               were               pushing               her               stomach               all               the               way               down               to               the               table               and               moving               her               insides               out               of               the               way               to               make               way               for               the               baby.
               The               doctor               now               found               the               baby               to               pull               her               out.
               "No               wonder               she               didn't               want               to               be               born,"               the               doctor               commented.

"No               wonder               it               hurt."
               Tara               started               shaking               a               lot               and               the               anesthesiologist               told               her               it               was               from               the               Epidural.
               "What's               wrong?"               the               doctor               asked,               noticing               her               shivering.
               "I'm               freezing,"               she               said,               teeth               chattering.
               She               became               really               scared               and               thought               she               was               going               to               die               she               was               shaking               so               much.

The               blanket               the               anesthesiologist               was               putting               over               her               didn't               help.
               When               they               lifted               Mackenzie               out               of               her               stomach               much               later,               Tara               thought               to               herself:               "My               God,               I               have               a               baby."
               "Baby               girl,"               she               heard               the               doctor               say               as               he               handed               Mackenzie               to               a               nurse.
               It               didn't               matter               that               Tara               knew               this               for               nine               months.

Seeing               Mackenzie               being               lifted               up               and               pulled               out               of               her               own               stomach               was               all               so               surreal.
               The               first               words               out               of               Tara's               mouth               were               "Is               she               okay?"
               And               she               was.
               At               first               Mackenzie               didn't               cry               but               when               they               started               cleaning               her               up,               Tara               noticed               she               had               a               good               pair               of               lungs.
               Just               like               her               mom.
               Susan               started               snapping               pictures               of               Mackenzie               being               tended               to.
               Tara               looked               over               at               the               clock               and               noted               the               time.
               Two               o'clock.

The               same               time               her               mom's               plane               was               scheduled               to               leave.
               It               was               as               if               Mackenzie               was               waiting               for               the               plane               to               take               off               before               being               born.
               Tara               was               still               shaking               when               a               nurse               brought               Mackenzie               over               to               see               her,               asking               her               if               she               wanted               to               hold               her.
               "I               can't,"               she               said,               shaking               violently.
               Susan's               girlfriend               was               the               first               to               hold               Mackenzie               and               rock               her.
               The               only               time               Tara               held               Mackenzie               was               when               others               were               around               because               she               was               afraid               she'd               change               her               mind               if               she               held               her               alone.
               She'd               heard               about               birth               moms               changing               their               minds               this               way               and               spending               too               much               time               with               the               baby               alone.
               She               drifted               in               and               out               of               sleep               and               was               later               transferred               to               another               room.
               Because               of               her               C-section               Mackenzie               didn't               get               to               be               born               in               the               cozy               room               where               she               would've               been               born               if               it               had               been               a               normal               birth.
               But               that               was               okay               because               her               little               girl               was               okay.

And               that               was               all               that               mattered.
               Later               that               night,               after               eating               a               liquid               dinner               due               to               precautions               taken               against               infection,               Tara               made               her               way               very               slowly               down               the               hall               to               see               Mackenzie               in               the               nursery.

It               would               be               the               first               of               many               walks               during               her               hospital               stay               and               no               matter               how               painful               each               walk               was               physically,               she               looked               forward               to               getting               to               the               end               when               she               got               to               see               her               new               child               in               her               new               bed.

The               nurses               told               her               walking               was               good               and               sped               the               process               of               recovery               from               a               C-section               along.
               Tara               smiled               at               the               nurses               as               she               pulled               her               I.V.

tube               with               her               and               finally               she               was               staring               at               her               new               daughter               who               was               positioned               in               between               several               other               babies               -               all               boys.
               She               realized               Mackenzie               had               been               born               the               day               before               Frank's               birthday               which               was               August               16th.
               Tara               couldn't               have               planned               that               better!
               The               hospital               had               a               lot               of               births               in               the               past               24               hours               during               which               a               tropical               storm               had               occurred.

She               remembered               watching               the               Weather               Channel               with               her               mom               while               she               was               first               having               labor               pains               and               her               mom               saying               that               during               a               full               moon               and               a               tropical               storm               that               births               usually               occur.
               The               night               she               went               into               labor,               they               had               had               both.
               Tara               later               made               a               lot               of               calls               and               got               a               lot               of               visitors               in               the               two               days               she               was               in               the               hospital.

They               kept               her               two               days               since               she'd               had               a               C-section.
               On               the               second               day,               she               called               Veronica               and               Frank's               caseworker               and               asked               them               to               call               their               hotel               and               have               them               come               hold               their               child.

The               caseworker               told               her               that               she               thought               she'd               want               some               time               to               herself               and               had               explained               that               to               the               APs               but               Tara               reiterated               the               invitation               and               said               they               could               come               right               away.

She               didn't               want               them               to               miss               out               on               anything.
               They               had               managed               to               videotape               Mackenzie               in               the               nursery               for               about               15               minutes               the               day               before.
               Tara               made               sure               her               Mackenzie               had               her               blanket               made               especially               for               her               by               one               of               the               birth               moms               in               the               nursery               with               her               the               whole               time               and               that               it               went               home               with               her               to               her               transitional               and               adoptive               homes.

It               was               pink,               blue               and               white               with               hearts.

It               was               the               first               time               Amy               had               ever               sewn               hearts               on               the               many               blankets               she'd               made               for               the               birth               moms               at               the               center.
               Veronica               and               Frank               came               into               her               room               now               with               flowers               and               smiles               and               talked               and               rocked               Mackenzie,               taking               pictures               and               videotaping               some               more.
               When               Frank               held               and               talked               to               Mackenzie               he               jokingly               told               her               he'd               buy               her               stock               in               Mary               Kay               cosmetics.
               "Your               daddy               has               good               taste,"               Tara               said               to               Mackenzie.
               Veronica               and               Frank               gave               her               a               card               that               read:
               "You               are               our               hero!

We               are               so               humbled               by               your               wonderful               gift.

She               is               beautiful.

We               love               you."
               They               talked               about               her               labor               and               Tara               watched               Mackenzie's               new               dad               tell               her               about               all               the               things               he               was               going               to               do               with               her.
               "I               crawled               all               over               that               floor,               round               and               round,               finishing               it               just               for               you,"               Frank               told               Mackenzie               in               baby               talk.

"And               now               you'll               crawl               all               over               it,               too."
               Veronica               and               Frank               had               remodeled               an               office               into               Mackenzie's               nursery.
               As               was               the               norm,               some               of               the               birth               moms               from               the               dorm               came               to               visit               and               Tara               took               pictures               of               all               of               them               holding               her               little               girl.

They               were               all               in               awe               of               Mackenzie.
               Susan               and               Susan's               teenage               daughter               took               all               of               this               in.
               Mackenzie               left               the               hospital               right               after               Tara               to               go               to               her               transitional               home.

Tara               got               to               say               a               little               goodbye               before               she               checked               out               right               behind               her.
               When               she               went               home               from               the               hospital,               Tara               was               in               excruciating               pain               and               felt               like               knives               were               going               through               her               abdomen.

The               childbirth               coordinator               who               took               her               home               hit               a               speed               bump               and               she               thought               she'd               die               from               the               pain!
               She               was               told               not               to               drive,               work,               or               do               anything               strenuous,               including               lifting               for               several               weeks.
               She               couldn't               wait               to               get               her               pictures               developed               and               to               see               the               videotape               which               Veronica               and               Frank               were               going               to               give               her               a               copy               of.


               The               first               night               without               Mackenzie,               she               cried               to               one               of               her               favorite               house               parents.
               "It's               just               so               hard               without               her,"               she               told               her.
               The               house               parent               could               sympathize,               but               that               was               all.
               As               the               other               residents               watched               movies,               she               felt               so               different,               so               alone.

Other               birth               moms               had               told               her               that               after               delivery               it               was               hard               to               be               in               the               dorm               with               a               bunch               of               pregnant               women.
               Tara               didn't               understand               it               at               the               time,               because               she               was               still               pregnant,               but               now               she               knew               all               too               well.
               And               none               of               them               wanted               to               talk               about               it.

But               a               few               did.

Tara               would               never               forget               the               ones               who               let               her               cry,               talk               and               who               hugged               her               and               told               her               that               she               was               so               strong               and               that               she               would               be               okay.
               
               Tara               didn't               try               to               discourage               anyone,               of               course,               but               at               the               same               time               she               didn't               want               them               to               see               her               cry               for               fear               of               hurting               them               or               making               them               uncomfortable.
               Tara               remembered               one               resident               saying               after               her               April               birth               that               all               the               pain               was               so               worth               it.
               Now               she               knew               what               a               mother's               love               truly               meant.
               During               her               first               nursery               visit               Tara               made               sure               her               caseworker               was               close               by               but               even               when               her               caseworker               went               down               the               hall               for               a               minute,               leaving               her               alone               with               Mackenzie,               she               broke               down               and               cried               after               telling               Mackenzie               how               much               she               loved               her               and               how               beautiful               she               was               and               all               the               things               she               wanted               for               her               in               life.
               The               scrapbook               she'd               made               for               her               over               a               four-month               period               detailed               all               this               and               more               but               it               was               so               different               looking               into               her               tiny               face               and               telling               her               some               of               the               same               things.
               "This               is               so               hard,"               Tara               told               her               caseworker               when               she               came               back               in               the               room.
               Her               appetite               left               her               for               two               weeks               and               she               hardly               slept               a               week               during               that               time.

She               had               to               take               medication               to               help               her               sleep               after               two               weeks               of               hardly               getting               any               rest.

She               had               no               desire               to               eat               or               sleep               and               had               to               make               herself               take               a               shower               and               change               clothes.
               It               was               like               someone               had               died               and               she               finally               knew               what               a               former               resident               was               talking               about               when               she               alluded               to               that               same               feeling               after               her               April               birth.
               August               19,               2000               
               She               thought               about               Mackenzie               last               night               and               all               day.

It               was               so               surreal               to               think               she               was               hers.

She               didn't               want               to               be               alone.
               The               pain               was               getting               a               little               better               physically.

Tara               talked               to               her               sister               and               mom.
               Susan               said               the               doctor               said               the               placenta               was               smashing               her               bladder               before               delivery.
               
               August               20,               2000               
               The               nights               were               so               hard               there               at               Gladney               now.
               Tara               had               another               nursery               visit               that               day               and               it               went               a               lot               better.

Susan,               another               resident,               Tara's               caseworker,               and               a               friend               were               there.

Tara's               friend               cried               most               of               the               time.
               The               other               resident,               who               delivered               right               after               Tara,               had               her               first               nursery               visit               that               day.
               Today               the               transitional               moms               had               Mackenzie               dressed               up               in               a               pink               ruffled               dress.

They               sent               Tara               digital               pictures               that               looked               great.

Mackenzie               was               taken               to               her               first               Richard               Gere               movie,               her               first               movie,               period,               the               day               before               and               ate               through               the               whole               thing.

She               didn't               cry               at               all.

The               transitional               moms               said               Mackenzie               was               the               easiest               baby               they'd               ever               had.

Her               appetite               was               getting               better.
               As               miserable               as               her               pregnancy               was,               Tara               missed               being               pregnant.
               August               21,               2000               
               The               next               day               Tara               was               to               have               another               nursery               visit               and               the               other               resident               had               her               second               one               that               day.
               Tara               had               been               fighting               depression               that               day.

She               put               a               picture               of               Mackenzie               next               to               her               bed.

Hopefully               she               could               handle               it.

She               got               some               more               pictures               developed               and               Mackenzie               looked               great.

She               was               perfect.

Tara               thought               about               having               another               baby               but               she'd               feel               too               guilty               about               Mackenzie.

She'd               always               be               "the               one."
               
               August               22,               2000               
               Tara               cried               the               night               before               with               a               house               parent               then               almost               cried               three               more               times.

She               had               another               nursery               visit               that               day               and               her               last               one               was               tomorrow.
               Mackenzie               was               irritable               that               day               and               Tara               couldn't               make               her               happy.

She               felt               helpless.
               One               of               the               residents               decided               to               keep               her               baby               after               giving               birth               that               morning.

She               had               nothing               but               Tara               couldn't               judge               her.

She               should               have               stressed               to               her               the               importance               of               not               being               alone               with               the               baby,               she               thought.
               Tara               made               herself               sore               from               crying               and               straining               her               incision.
               August               23,               2000               
               The               day               before               
               Placement               Day               
               "I               admire               your               strength               and               courage,"               one               of               the               residents               who               had               two               other               kids               told               Tara.

"You               are               the               perfect               example               of               adoption               being               a               decision               made               out               of               love               because               I               see               how               much               you               love               her               and               how               secure               you               are               in               your               decision.

Thanks               for               being               a               great               example."
               Another               resident               who               was               helping               her               boyfriend               raise               his               young               son               wrote:               "I've               only               known               you               for               a               short               while               now               but               from               what               I               know               of               you               now               you               are               so               strong               and               now               you've               made               it               through.

Remember               that               you               have               a               whole               new               life               ahead               of               you               so               live               it               to               the               fullest               and               make               it               everything               you               deserve."
               "Thanks               again               for               being               so               nice               to               me,"               a               16-year-old               resident               said.

"You               made               my               move               here               so               much               better.

I'm               glad               to               have               you               here               to               talk               to."
               "You               are               one               of               the               sweetest,               craziest               people               I               know,"               wrote               a               resident               who               was               placing               a               child               for               the               second               time.

"You               have               such               strength               and               I               admire               you."
               
               August               24,               2000               
               Placement               Day               
               Tara               placed               Mackenzie               that               day               with               her               new               parents.

It               was               the               hardest               thing               she'd               ever               done               or               would               do,               she               thought.
               The               night               before               the               resident,               who               gave               birth               right               behind               Tara,               cried               with               her.

Her               placement               was               later               that               afternoon.
               Tara               had               spent               the               week               recovering               from               her               C-section.

Her               breasts               hadn't               produced               any               milk               so               she               didn't               have               to               wrap               them               in               ace               
               bandages               because               of               leaks               like               the               other               residents               after               they               delivered.
               Placement               Day               went               all               too               fast.
               Tara               planned               on               spending               the               night               with               Susan               to               get               away.
               Tara               got               a               card               from               Chelsea               which               read:
               "I               know               it's               hard.

You               did               the               right               thing.

I               can               only               imagine               what               you're               going               through.

I               respect               and               admire               so               much               who               you               are               to               have               given               her               life.

God's               gotcha               and               I'm               here               for               you."
               Now               Tara               watched               Mackenzie               being               changed               for               the               last               time               after               having               a               week               of               nursery               visits               with               her,               pictures,               memories,               and               kisses.
               Tara               had               rocked               Mackenzie               in               the               rocker               in               the               nursery               many               times               over               the               last               week,               talking               to               her,               crying,               and               making               sure               she               was               surrounded               at               all               times               during               all               visits               by               visitors.

She               even               pulled               people               from               the               staff               to               come               see               Mackenzie               during               visits               for               fear               of               being               left               alone               and               changing               her               mind.
               And               it               worked.
               Some               residents               who               visited               hadn't               delivered.

But               they               were               all               just               what               she               needed               and               they               would               always               have               that               kinship.


               It               was               finally               time               to               leave               for               the               park,               the               place               where               she               would               meet               Veronica               and               Frank               and               they               would               exchange               gifts,               take               pictures,               videotape,               and               have               a               blessing               for               Mackenzie               before               she               went               to               her               new               home.

She               was               dressed               in               a               pink               ruffled               dress               with               a               sheer               cape               and               little               white               satin               shoes               that               Tara               had               picked               out               after               going               to               five               different               stores               to               find               an               outfit.
               Tara               rode               with               her               caseworker               to               the               park,               just               down               the               street,               which               had               a               playground               and               was               shaded,               perfect               for               an               August               morning.


               Everyone               else               was               already               there,               waiting               on               them               to               arrive.
               Tara               got               out               of               the               car               and               the               transitional               mom               handed               Mackenzie               to               her.

Tara's               caseworker               and               the               transitional               mom               followed               behind               her               as               she               carefully               carried               Mackenzie               down               the               sloping               circular-like               sidewalk,               watching               her               feet               and               her               baby               alternately               as               she               got               closer               and               closer               to               Frank.

He               was               waiting               at               the               end               of               the               sidewalk               with               the               minister               who               was               to               bless               Mackenzie               at               her               request.

Veronica,               some               of               Veronica               and               Frank's               family               and               friends,               and               some               of               Tara's               friends               also               stood               watching               her               walk               towards               Frank               with               Mackenzie               in               her               arms.
               "I've               never               seen               you               look               so               sad               and               so               peaceful               at               the               same               time,"               her               favorite               house               parent               who               was               there,               later               told               Tara.
               Veronica               was               visibly               pleased               with               the               dress               Mackenzie               wore.
               "Where               did               you               get               that?"               Veronica               exclaimed,               happily.
               The               shoes               swallowed               Mackenzie               whole               so               Tara               wound               up               taking               them               off.
               Veronica               and               Frank               and               Tara               greeted               each               other               and               the               minister               began               the               blessing               as               the               videotape               rolled.

One               of               Veronica's               friends               was               taping               the               event,               crying               most               of               the               time.

Everyone               agreed               that               Tara               didn't               want               Mackenzie               to               see               her               crying               on               tape               or               see               her               walk               away               because               she               wanted               her               to               feel               good               when               she               saw               it               one               day.
               "She's               doing               well,"               Tara               heard               someone               say,               referring               to               Tara.
               Tara               flashed               back               to               the               night               before               when               she               and               another               resident,               who               had               Placement               the               same               day,               were               crying               outside               while               the               other               residents               looked               on               empathetically.
               "They'll               always               know               how               much               you               loved               them,"               one               resident               said               to               both               of               them,               which               made               Tara               cry               even               harder               and               she               turned               her               back               to               them.
               Now               she               was               back               in               the               moment,               this               beautiful               August               morning,               a               day               she               would               never               forget               a               park               she               would               inevitably               pass               by               many               times               since               it               was               close               to               where               she               lived.

She               picked               it               for               that               reason.
               After               the               blessing               Tara               took               Mackenzie               off               to               a               quiet               corner               while               she               said               goodbye               alone.

She               was               told               beforehand               that               she               could               do               this               and               that               many               birth               moms               did               this               but               at               the               time               she               didn't               want               to               do               it               because               it               would               be               so               painful.

She               also               knew               that               the               usual               plan               was               for               the               birth               mom               to               leave               the               event               first               so               that               she               didn't               have               to               watch               her               child               leaving.
               Tara               carefully               carried               Mackenzie,               whose               middle               name               she               picked               and               Veronica               and               Frank               kept,               much               to               her               happiness,               over               to               a               shady               area               and               shielded               her               eyes               from               the               sideways               sun.
               "Trying               to               keep               the               sun               out               of               your               eyes,"               she               told               Mackenzie               quietly               and               looked               down               at               her               little               red               face.
               She               heaved               a               sigh               as               she               watched               Mackenzie               flail               her               arms               around               curiously,               not               looking               at               her.
               "You're               going               to               have               an               awesome               life,"               Tara               told               her,               beginning               to               cry               after               holding               it               together               for               so               long.

"I've               picked               out               some               great               parents               for               you.

And               I'll               see               you               again               some               day."
               That               was               all               she               could               manage               before               she               broke               down.
               She               kissed               her               on               the               cheek               and               smudged               the               lipstick               off               before               turning               around.
               Her               shoulders               shook               with               the               crying               and               she               thought               no               one               noticed               since               she               was               so               far               away.

But               her               favorite               house               parent               later               told               her               that               she               knew               she               was               crying               when               she               saw               her               shoulders               shaking.
               Now               she               brought               Mackenzie               to               her               new               parents,               walking               a               little               uphill               over               the               soft               grass               towards               them.
               Everyone               was               watching               Tara               as               she               handed               her               over,               avoiding               their               eyes.
               Then               her               crying               was               uncontrollable               and               everyone               hugged               her.
               She               totally               forgot               that               she               had               picked               the               playground               so               they               could               take               pictures               of               her               and               her               child.

She               didn't               remember               this               until               much               later.

Veronica               later               told               her               that               they               would               do               it               at               finalization               of               the               adoption               when               Tara               saw               Mackenzie               again.
               
               As               Tara's               favorite               house               parent               hugged               her,               she               said,               "You               have               my               eternal               respect,"               which               made               her               cry               even               harder.
               One               by               one               they               hugged               her               and               then               the               friend               with               the               camcorder               asked               her               if               she               could               hug               her.
               After               she               did,               Tara               made               her               way               to               her               caseworker's               car               with               her               caseworker               and               didn't               allow               her               to               look               back.
               When               she               got               back               to               the               dorm               a               few               residents               were               gathered               and               they               asked               her               how               it               went.
               "You               got               back               fast,"               one               said,               surprised.
               "Yeah,               it's               over,"               Tara               said,               avoiding               their               eyes.
               "That's               it?"               one               asked.
               "That's               it,"               she               said,               and               went               directly               to               her               room               to               rest.
               Surprisingly               she               was               able               to               take               a               nap               and               slept               well               and               peaceful.
               Susan's               girlfriend               picked               Tara               up               later               and               she               spent               the               day               and               night               there,               watching               movies               with               them               and               taking               another               nap.

They               had               to               leave               her               alone               most               of               the               day               because               of               their               jobs               and               things               they               had               to               do.

They               kept               checking               on               her,               though               and               she               assured               them               she               was               okay,               though               she               was               not.
               Tara               noticed               Veronica               had               sent               her               an               email               and               she               wrote               that               she               was               impressed               with               her               and               how               she               handled               things               that               morning.
               That               night               Tara               didn't               want               to               take               anything               to               sleep               but               needed               to.

She               sat               up               talking               with               her               Susan               about               the               day.
               "Is               there               ever               a               minute               when               you're               not               thinking               about               her               (Mackenzie)?"               Susan               asked               her               later               that               night.
               "No,"               Tara               said.

"I'm               thinking               about               her               constantly."
               She               was               crying,               but               barely.

She               didn't               think               she'd               ever               cried               in               front               of               Susan               in               the               five               years               they'd               known               each               other.
               "I               know               everyone               keeps               saying               ï¿½You               did               the               right               thing'               but               that               doesn't               take               away               the               pain,"               Tara               explained.
               After               a               short               pause,               Susan               said,               "You               know               I               think               it's               the               only               thing               I               can               think               of               that               can               be               so               happy               for               one               person               (the               couple)               and               so               sad               and               painful               for               the               other.

It's               been               hard               for               me,               too."
               "It               has?"               Tara               asked,               surprised.
               "Yeah.

I               mean,               I               was               with               you               through               the               whole               pregnancy,               delivery,               everything,"               Susan               said.
               "Yeah,               I               couldn't               have               done               it               without               you,"               Tara               said.

"I               want               to               take               something               to               sleep               but               I               don't               want               to               get               addicted               to               it               and               rely               on               it               for               sleep               all               the               time."
               "I               think               you               should               take               something.

I'll               see               what               we               have."
               "I               feel               like               drinking               or               leaving               town,"               Tara               said,               wearily.
               "Maybe               you               should."
               Tara               looked               at               her               surprised.
               They               were               both               in               recovery               for               alcoholism.
               "You               think               I               should               drink?"               Tara               asked.
               She               smiled.

"I               think               you               should               do               what               you               need               to               do               to               get               through               this."
               "Yeah,               but               I               don't               want               to               self-destruct               over               this,"               Tara               said.
               Susan               finally               talked               her               into               taking               a               pill               and               she               slept               well               that               night.
               But               Tara               told               herself               she               wouldn't               do               that               every               night.
               She               lay               there               for               a               while               and               thought               about               the               day               and               thought               about               what               Mackenzie               was               doing               right               now               and               if               she               was               sleeping               okay.
               Tara's               mom               sent               Tara               a               card.

They               had               never               been               close               but               this               pregnancy               had               brought               them               close:
               "You               have               been               on               my               mind               all               day.

I               know               what               a               difficult               day               this               has               been               for               you,"               she               wrote.

"You               will               be               in               my               heart               and               prayers               in               the               days               to               come.

I               know               it               won't               be               an               easy               time.

Always               know               that               I'm               here               for               you.

Call               me               any               time.

I               love               you               always.

You               have               so               much               courage!"
               Tara               never               felt               like               she               was               ever               on               her               mom's               mind               throughout               their               tumultuous               years               together               from               foster               homes               to               custody               battles               to               the               first               time               she               officially               left               home               at               the               age               of               14               when               her               mom               put               her               in               a               children's               home.

There               were               so               many               times               Tara               needed               
               her               mom               and               she               wasn't               there.

She               always               knew               her               mom               was               anti-religious               so               it               was               a               trip               to               read               that               she               would               be               in               her               mom's               prayers.

Chelsea               was               always               the               one               that               was               there               for               her               in               every               way.

Tara's               mother               rarely               called               for               so               many               years.

And               the               only               time               her               mother               had               ever               said               she               loved               Tara               was               on               the               phone               and               as               she               was               hanging               up,               expressed               as               an               embarrassing               quick               thought               after               thought               before               Tara               heard               the               dial               tone               without               any               chance               to               respond.
               It               was               Chelsea               that               had               always               told               Tara               over               the               years               that               she               had               so               much               courage.

Tara               always               felt               she               didn't               have               a               choice,               she               had               to               be               courageous.

But               then               she               never               really               felt               she               had               that               much               courage               because               she               was               afraid               of               people,               afraid               of               everything.
               Chelsea's               card,               which               read               on               the               outside               "Gratitude               is               the               heart's               memory",               said:
               "I               appreciate               so               much               you're               sharing               that               special               weekend               with               me.

I               know               that               you've               been               through               something               most               of               us               can               only               imagine.
               You've               handled               it               so               spiritually               and               I               am               touched               with               your               strength               and               love.

I               love               you."
               Another               card               she               sent               her               read:               "At               times               it               seems               we               have               flown               through               the               years.

Side               by               side,               we               have               hoped,               wished,               and               talked               about               a               million               things.
               Always               wanting               the               best               for               each               other               today               is               a               good               day               to               tell               you               I               love               you               and               hope               that               all               your               wishes               comes               true.

Just               wanted               to               let               you               know               I'm               thinking               aboutcha               and               enjoying               staying               with               touch               with               email.

I               love               you               very               much               and               hope               today               you're               feeling               spiritually               connected,               at               peace,               and               rested."               She               signed               the               card               ï¿½Cindy               Lou               Who,'               one               of               her               private               nicknames,               referring               to               the               Cindy               Lou               Who               character               in               "How               The               Grinch               Stole               Christmas,"               something               they               watched               together               every               year               as               kids.

Tara               opened               the               card               Veronica               and               Frank               had               given               her               on               Placement               Day.
               The               card               read:               "We               are               so               honored               by               the               tremendous               gift               of               your               baby.

Certainly               there               are               no               words               to               express               our               gratitude.

You               are               heaven               sent               and               certainly               and               angel               is               watching               over               you!

We               are               so               excited               and               thankful               for               all               of               God's               blessings."
               Tara               remembered               once               that               someone               told               her               to               write               a               future               journal               entry               of               what               she               wanted               her               life               to               be               like               a               year               from               the               date               she               wrote               the               entry.

She               wrote               that               in               her               future               she'd               just               finished               writing               an               incredible               feature               for               the               paper               and               that               she               felt               so               good               about               her               career               again.

Her               relationship               would               be               doing               a               lot               better               and               she               was               paying               off               old               debt               regularly.

She               was               getting               rid               of               useless               things               and               ideas               in               her               life               and               saving               money.

She               had               paid               off               her               car               and               her               divorce               was               final.

She               was               no               longer               obsessed               about               what               others               thought.
               And               that               was               her               fantasy               entry               from               December               1998.
               Tara               had               come               to               terms               with               the               fact               that               she               would               never               be               or               could               never               be               a               mom               at               that               point.

She               had               accepted               it               and               moved               on.


               Everyone               said               God               had               a               purpose               for               her               but               He               didn't               leave               notes               on               her               refrigerator               door.
               Getting               an               email               from               Veronica               was               just               what               Tara               needed               after               an               emotional               Placement               Day:
               "Thank               you               so               much               for               today.

I               am               so               impressed               with               you.

You               are               the               most               courageous,               strongest               person               I               know               and               I               thank               you               so               much               for               Mackenzie.

Thank               you               for               the               wonderful               day               of               placement.

She               will               have               pictures,               a               tape,               her               beautiful               outfit,               her               sleeper               to               remember               this               day               and               she               will               always               know               about               you,               the               wonderful               mother               who               gave               birth               to               her.

I               think               the               placement               at               the               park               was               great               and               I'm               glad               you               liked               the               pastor.
               I'm               glad               you               liked               the               gift               certificate.

Beth               (Susan's               girlfriend)               was               the               one               who               actually               suggested               it               and               you               certainly               deserved               to               be               pampered.

I               wanted               to               get               you               the               "perfect"               gift               and               of               course               there               is               not               gift               to               compare               to               your               "gift."               Would               you               please               tell               Amy               that               we               love               the               blanket               and               that               it               is               in               Mackenzie's               crib               even               now?

Everyone               has               loved               it               and               had               to               touch               it.

It               hasn't               left               her               body               I               don't               think               all               day.

She               is               doing               great,               sleeping               a               lot,               but               awake               at               times               with               eyes               looking               around               and               smiling               some               Ben               has               been               so               protective               of               her               and               initially               wouldn't               let               my               mom               hold               her.

He               told               her,               "No,               she's               my               baby               sister,               I               hold               her."               But               finally,               after               we               let               him               hold               her               and               pat               on               her,               he               did               let               her               hold               her.

All               in               all               it's               been               a               wonderful,               memorable               day               full               of               visitors               and               phone               calls.

Hopefully               tomorrow               will               be               quieter               for               Mackenzie.
               We               have               talked               about               you               probably               every               hour               on               the               hour.

What               is               she               doing?

How               is               she               feeling?

Is               someone               with               her?

Is               she               keeping               busy?

So               please               know               that               you               are               loved               and               prayed               for.
               The               transitional               mom               also               gave               us               a               journal.

Isn't               that               wonderful?

I               love               it               and               think               maybe               I               could               do               some               sort               of               facsimile               for               you               for               the               next               picture/letter.

I'll               do               my               best               but               hers               is               awesome.
               Thank               you               for               the               scrapbook.

I               know               Mackenzie               will               treasure               it               as               well               as               her               baby               ring.
               I               really               want               to               email               you               every               couple               of               days               but               if               it               gets               too               much,               please               tell               me.

I               feel               like               I               have               gained               a               friend               for               the               life               as               well               as               a               birth               mom               for               Mackenzie.

Please               try               to               rest               and               remember               we               love               you."
               Tara               wondered               what               Mackenzie               was               doing               right               now.
               August               25,               2000               
               Tara               got               an               email               from               Veronica               about               Mackenzie,               telling               her               how               protective               Ben               was               with               her.
               Tara               cried               again               the               night               before.

Then               she               had               a               bunch               of               dreams               about               Alex.

Tara               guessed               she               never               grieved               anything.

She               always               drank,               took               a               pill,               had               sex,               or               ran               away.
               It               was               hard               not               to               do               those               things               now.
               August               26,               2000               
               The               night               before               and               that               morning               Tara               thought               about               Mackenzie               but               didn't               cry.

She               didn't               get               much               sleep,               though.

She               figured               the               reason               she               didn't               cry               the               night               before               was               because               she               stayed               busy.
               August               27,               2000               
               Tara               had               hope               that               day               at               last.
               The               resident               who               had               made               Mackenzie's               baby               blanket               was               going               to               suggest               at               the               dorm               meeting               that               every               resident               get               set               up               with               a               birth               mom               who'd               placed               already.
               Tara               could               think               about               Mackenzie               the               night               before               and               not               cry               but               just               see               her               happy.
               August               28,               2000               
               Today               Tara's               sister               turned               38               and               Tara               got               an               email               from               Veronica:
               "I               forgot               to               tell               you               how               much               we               loved               the               transitional               mom.

I               can               see               why               you               picked               her               also.

I               loved               the               journal               and               sent               her               a               thank               you               note.

Frank               and               I               didn't               get               Ben               until               four               weeks               of               age               so               getting               the               baby,               as               a               newborn               was               a               wonderful               gift               to               us.

I               would               like               to               tell               you               Ben's               story               one               day.

A               story               about               a               baby               that               24               couples               turned               down               and               THANK               GOD               it               gave               us               the               opportunity               to               raise               him.

Remind               me               to               tell               you               about               it               the               next               time               we               meet               as               we               will               meet               to               talk               and               for               you               to               see               the               baby.
               "I               haven't               emailed               as               I               didn't               think               you'd               be               released               to               drive               for               2-4               weeks.

Hope               it               doesn't               hurt               too               much               to               drive.

How               is               your               incision?

Did               you               have               to               take               antibiotics?
               Mackenzie               is               great!

She               is               already               growing               and               changing.

We're               taking               lots               of               pictures               to               send               you.

She's               kind               of               got               her               days               and               nights               mixed               up               and               are               up               ever               2-3               hours               at               night,               yet               trying               to               sleep               4-6               hours               during               the               day.

We're               trying               to               fix               that               by               keeping               her               
               up               more               during               the               day,               but…it'll               happen               eventually.

She               is               a               very               good               baby,               but               really               prefers               being               held               versus               her               bed,               her               cradle,               her               bouncer               chair               or               swing.

Which               is               fine               with               us.

We               sit               and               hold               her               and               talk               to               her               and               she               coos               a               little               back.
               You               are               in               our               thoughts               and               prayers.

We               still               constantly               ask               each               other,               ï¿½How               is               she               doing?'               ï¿½What               do               you               think               she's               doing               right               now?'               Did               you               have               dinner               with               the               birth               mom               who               placed               seven               years               ago?

If               so,               how               did               it               go?

I               have               some               pics               of               Placement               Day               that               I               want               to               send               you               also.

I               still               can't               get               over               how               well               you               handled               everything.

I'm               just               so               sorry               your               incision               caused               you               problems.

I               hope               the               walking               at               the               park               didn't               do               it.
               We               took               Mackenzie               to               church               yesterday               and               she               was               a               big               hit.

Of               course               Frank               being               the               protective               dad               didn't               want               anyone               holding               her               and               just               let               people               look               at               her.

He               feels               very               strongly               that               she               needs               her               two-month               immunizations               before               being               "in               the               real               world."               But               Ben               and               I               took               her               to               Office               Depot               today               and               she               did               great.

Of               course               we               had               her               in               two               different               outfits               for               morning               church               and               evening               church.

One               with               a               bonnet               and               one               with               a               headband.

I'm               trying               to               take               pics               of               her               in               all               her               outfits               so               you               can               see               them.

The               0-3               months               still               swallow               her               but               I               have               two               preemie               outfits               that               are               darling               on               her               and               an               Old               Navy               sleeper               with               matching               hat               that               you               will               love.
               Thank               you               for               her               2-week-old               card.

It's               hard               to               believe               it               was               two               weeks               ago               that               you               were               in               labor               and               trying               so               hard               to               deliver               her.

I               hope               things               are               getting               back               to               normal.
               Ben               has               exceeded               all               our               expectations               with               Mackenzie.

He               really               thinks               she's               his               baby               and               is               so               very               protective.

He               is               very               gentle               with               her               and               can't               stand               it               if               she               even               whimpers               in               her               sleep.

Pick               her               up               mommy!

I               hope               he's               always               like               this.

Every               night               I               make               a               big               deal               of               him               helping               her               get               ready               for               bed.

We               do               a               little               sponge               off,               cord               care;               etc.

and               he               helps               by               using               his               very               own               washcloth               to               wash               her               back               and               then               put               lotion               on               her.

Saturday               night               I               had               him               in               the               tub               and               was               sponging               off               Mackenzie               in               the               hallway               so               I               could               watch               him               at               the               same               time.

He               became               very               upset,               "no               I               help               you"               and               climbed               out               of               the               tub               dripping               wet               to               help               bathe               her.

He               takes               his               role               as               big               brother               very               seriously!

I               am               so               thankful               he               has               a               sibling               and               hope               she               feels               the               same               way               some               day.
               Please               take               care               of               yourself               and               remember               how               much               we               love               you."
               Tara               wrote               about               what               the               adoption               process               was               like:
               At               first               she               felt               cheated,               mad               at               God.

She               felt               angry               with               herself               and               like               an               outsider.

She               felt               ugly               and               useless.

Then               she               thought               maybe               the               pregnancy               happened               to               give               her               something               to               live               for.
               Now               she               wanted               to               make               Mackenzie               proud.

She               had               doubts               she               could               go               through               with               the               adoption,               that               she               could               actually               put               pen               to               paper               and               sign               away               her               rights,               that               she'd               had               the               courage               to               place               Mackenzie               in               her               parents'               arms,               to               walk               away,               to               not               drink               or               self-destruct               over               it.
               Tara               had               hoped               it               would               be               easy               because               intellectually               it               made               sense.

She               hoped               Mackenzie               was               well               taken               care               of,               nurtured,               and               had               a               life               totally               unlike               Tara's.
               Whenever               she               doubted               her               decision,               she               was               told               to               look               back               at               what               she               wrote.
               August               29,               2000               
               Tara               wrote               about               what               it'd               be               like               if               she'd               kept               Mackenzie,               another               tool               suggested               for               recovery:
               If               she'd               kept               Mackenzie,               she'd               have               been               on               welfare               and               wouldn't               have               any               money.

She'd               have               to               borrow               clothes,               money,               and               food;               all               of               her               needs               to               get               her               by.

She               couldn't               have               afforded               doctor               visits               or               handle               Mackenzie's               crying.

She               couldn't               recover               from               her               C-section               and               she               wouldn't               have               had               time               to               look               for               work.

She               wouldn't               have               gas               money               and               a               place               to               live.

She               couldn't               afford               day               care               or               a               sitter.

She               wouldn't               have               had               money               to               do               laundry,               she'd               be               on               food               stamps,               and               she               couldn't               take               her               medications               because               she'd               be               breast-feeding.

She               couldn't               have               taken               Mackenzie               in               the               car               because               she'd               have               no               money               for               a               car               seat.

She               couldn't               have               kept               her               pets               and               she               couldn't               go               to               counseling               because               she               couldn't               get               a               sitter.

She               couldn't               keep               Mackenzie               cool               because               she               couldn't               get               her               a/c               on.
               She               might               have               drunk               again               and               she               might               have               sold               her               body               again               for               sex               but               she               couldn't               do               that               because               of               her               incision               and               her               weight.
               She               probably               would've               wound               up               in               jail               because               she               wouldn't               have               time               to               do               her               community               service.
               August               30,               2000               
               Veronica               emailed               Tara:               
               "Ben               wants               to               help               me               do               everything               for               Mackenzie               which               is               great,               but               just               takes               longer.

She               is               beautiful.

My               mom               says               she               can               tell               she's               "fattening               up"               as               she               has               a               double               chin,"               Veronica               wrote.

"I               don't               see               a               double               chin,               but…she               is               eating               much               better.
               Her               daddy               is               feeding               her               right               now.

It               is               so               awesome               to               see               a               big               man               be               so               gentle               with               a               little               one.

Ben               is               over               there               burping               for               her               (guess               he               thinks               she's               forgotten).

Got               a               short               letter               forwarded               via               our               caseworker               from               your               mom.

I'll               make               a               copy               of               it               for               you               if               you               want.

It               was               a               very               nice               letter."
               August               31,               2000               
               That               day               Tara               had               counseling               after               missing               three               weeks.
               All               around               her               she               witnessed               the               courage               of               the               other               residents.
               Mackenzie               was               a               big               hit               at               church,               Veronica               said.

Tara               put               three               pictures               of               her               up               in               her               dorm               room.

She               was               so               precious,               so               adorable.

She               never               wanted               to               forget               her.
               Mackenzie               was               having               a               hard               time               adjusting               to               a               new               sleep               schedule,               Veronica               wrote:
               "Don't               worry               that               it's               your               schedule               that's               messing               the               baby               up.

I               should               be               handling               this               okay               since               I'm               a               night               person.

Just               having               to               deal               with               Ben               in               the               daytime               really               messes               things               up.

But               we               will               prevail.

Also,               sounds               like               the               transitional               mom               had               her               on               a               better               schedule               and               I               messed               it               up!
               Good               luck               on               your               interview.

I               wish               you               could               wait               another               week               or               two               just               to               give               yourself               time               to               heal.

How               did               your               re-check               at               the               doctor               go?
               I               will               get               you               a               lock               of               Mackenzie's               hair,               no               problem.

I               have               a               lock               of               Ben's               from               his               first               haircut.

I               must               tell               you               that               her               hair               is               getting               lighter.

I'd               be               happy               to               cut               a               lock               of               it               now               or               if               you               want               it               at               her               first               haircut,               let               me               know.
               Of               course               we               will               read               the               article               and               watch               the               TV               program.

I'm               sorry               Self               doesn't               present               adoption               in               a               positive               light.

I've               wanted               to               ask               you               if               the               two               girls               due               about               your               same               time               delivered               and               if               everything               went               okay,               and               if               they're               still               there.

Do               you               think               it's               harder               to               stay               there               now?

I               know               all               the               girls               look               to               you               as               a               resource               person.

I'm               glad               for               them               for               that.
               Ben               tried               to               feed               Mackenzie               a               marshmallow               the               other               day.

We               had               to               have               a               big               talk               about               NOTHING               going               into               her               mouth               except               her               own               hand               and               a               bottle               or               pacifier.

She               doesn't               really               like               the               ï¿½pass',               which               is               fine;               she               may               start               liking               it               at               a               later               time.

We               will               be               working               on               your               two-week               letter               and               pics               for               next               week               so               that               will               be               there               next               week.

I               can't               seem               to               capture               Mackenzie               when               she               is               smiling.

She               really               does               smile,               I               know               you've               seen               her,               she               just               loses               that               smile               by               the               time               I               grab               the               camera               so               the               pics               are               either               her               staring               into               space               or               sleeping.
               But               don't               worry               there               will               be               plenty               of               them               when               she's               more               awake               and               smiling               lots               more.
               Remember               how               often               we               think               of               you               and               we               really               love               you               and               want               you               to               be               happy               in               whatever               you               do."






Image of us debt to china clock






us debt to china clock
us debt to china clock


us debt to china clock Image 1


us debt to china clock
us debt to china clock


us debt to china clock Image 2


us debt to china clock
us debt to china clock


us debt to china clock Image 3


us debt to china clock
us debt to china clock


us debt to china clock Image 4


us debt to china clock
us debt to china clock


us debt to china clock Image 5


  • Related blog with us debt to china clock





    1. biiwii.blogspot.com/   12/17/2010
      ... of a US-China cozy vendor financing..., if we wish to keep up and/or exceed...right there on top of us? When does the debt clock stop and come due? When...
    2. aw2w.blogspot.com/   10/16/2013
      ... moving to further downgrade America... themselves of US debt due for payment over the next few weeks. But for China, Japan, the oil exporters...
    3. startthinkingright.wordpress.com/   04/30/2012
      ... Russia or China or Iran or North Korea.... But it’s us – and it is...this: Like Be the first to like this. Tags: bankrupt , debt , debt-to-GDP ratio , GDP...
    4. anaverageamericanpatriot.blogspot.com/   04/24/2011
      ...future and the future of the whole world like it or not!et over it, not hardly! The debt clock had to be started during Reagan's time because of his success but could only register...
    5. csteconomics.blogspot.com/   02/16/2012
      ... on the China menace, running... going to own the United.... While the debt service paid on...government bonds and US assets more generally...
    6. greenscallions.blogspot.com/   03/27/2010
      ...by our friends in China with the 3-D option. Special Government...of the GAO. He went on to say, "GAO projections... Law & Order back to us. Anyway, there is alot of...
    7. kerrycollison.blogspot.com/   08/03/2011
      ...central banks such as those of China to keep their currencies depressed... high by buying US debt. China is naturally worried...
    8. originaldialogue.blogspot.com/   08/12/2011
      ...they will emerge in China and the Far East. The...human history –back to where it started...World Bank and the US Treasury. They ... in the ‘Debt Clock’. National Public Debt...
    9. aotearoaawiderperspective.wordpress.com/   02/13/2012
      ...precisely didley squat . As the US debt clock shows, fast ... 4 years, or to February 2016, when the next...global leverage and inflation: China and the PIIGS. This...
    10. emsnews.wordpress.com/   06/07/2011
      ... a Drug War Cost Clock updated for...addiction, they beat people to death. Using primitive... of Asia such as China or Taiwan or Thailand... dead. In the US, our prisons...
    11. Us Debt To China Clock - Blog Homepage Results

      ...NASDAQ OMX Announces Debt Refinancing ...11 Semi-Annual Changes to the NASDAQ OMX Clean Edge Smart...BHP Billiton Sales Into China Jumped To $20.3 Billion...



    Related Video with us debt to china clock







    us debt to china clock Video 1








    us debt to china clock Video 2








    us debt to china clock Video 3




    us debt to china clock































    0 개의 댓글:

    댓글 쓰기